I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
