Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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