saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
