what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
