Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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