My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
