I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
