They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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