Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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