just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dick very happy bro
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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