Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
