i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
