So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
