Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
