Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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