your parents love me but you hate me
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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