can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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