period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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