Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
