remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
