I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
