I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
