They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
