Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
