If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
