I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
