Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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