Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
