Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
