I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
