His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
