I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
