Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
