yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
