No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
