I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
