$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
