If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
