fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
