Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
