life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just found puke in my bra..
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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