He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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