plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
