I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
