Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
