He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
