I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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