Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize