By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am puke
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
