I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
