Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
