we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
