All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
